iVisitor
by seddie4thewin
Summary: Sam has a visitor. Freddie doesn't understand. Rated T for references to the mature side of their relationship and a few bad words.


**Alright, so there's going to be references to the more mature side of the Seddie relationship, but nothing graphic or anything like that. Not meant to offend anyone, just be funny.**

Sam Puckett stormed out of her boyfriend, Freddie Benson's, apartment with a look on her face like she was ready to kill someone. Freddie was thankful his mother was out of town at another of her silly aggressive parenting conferences and wasn't witness to Sam's tirade followed very closely by the slamming of their apartment door, nearly splitting it off its hinges.

Freddie and Sam had been dating since the beginning of their senior year. They still bickered on a daily basis and Sam made it a point to make fun of him as often as humanly possible, just like always. Since their relationship had turned physical, they always sought private moments to themselves, usually to "make up" from an argument. Not necessarily always for sex, but just to enjoy being close to each other and to make out a lot. That's not to say Freddie didn't enjoy copping a feel regularly; he was a normal teenage boy after all and Sam's body was quite feely.

'What did I do?' he thought to himself as he watched her storm away in a huff. One minute they were kissing passionately the next, she was in a fit of rage. Freddie's main problem: he didn't know if he was the one to trip her trigger and, if so, he certainly wasn't aware of what he could have possibly done to wazz her off so bad.

Across the hall, Sam barged into the Shay's apartment in search of her best friend. She needed a sounding board and anyone with external reproductive organs would not fit the bill. Spencer was working on a large sculpture of a pickle right in the middle of the living room floor and turned to see the blonde invading his apartment. "Oh, hey, Sam. I'm surprised you're not over at Freddie's."

"Grrummph!" Sam mumbled something unintelligible as she proceeded to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator in search of food. "Carly upstairs?"

"Yep." He answered.

Sam simply headed toward the steps.

"Alrighty, then. Glad things are cool." Spencer said sarcastically, going back to work. 'Gheesh, what did that boy do to her now?' The artist mumbled to himself.

"Hey, Sam. Where's Freddie? I wanted to ask him something about that trig homework, I really wasn't sure if we were supposed to do the word problems." Carly greeted Sam as she walked into the brunette's bedroom.

"Gee-Zuz! Why does everyone think we're joined at the hip? Just because I'm dating the nub doesn't mean we're together constantly." Sam snipped as she plopped herself onto Carly's ice cram sandwich love seat and began munching on a cold chicken leg she had brought from the kitchen.

"Sorry. I'll just text him." Carly replied quietly. "So, you guys fighting or something."

"Something." Sam replied. "Damn nub can't keep his hands to himself."

"Psh. You knew that when you guys got back together eight months ago. I tried to tell you that you two were moving too fast when you started, um, how can I put this, to take things further."

"You mean sex, Carls? We'll be graduating from high school in a month. You can say the word. It's sex. S. E. X. And Freddie and I've done it. Pretty often I might add."

"Aaaaaa!" Carly covered her ears. "I don't want to know this kind of stuff. I still can't believe you two have been making the beast with two backs on his Galaxy Wars sheets."

Sam was now ready to make fun of Carly for a while, just to keep life interesting and forget her troubles. "Not every time, we've done it in the studio, too. And on their couch and _your_ couch and . . . " Sam began to count on her fingers.

"Nooooo! I DO NOT need to know this, T.M.I., Sam. Waaaay T.M.I."

"Aw, what's the matter Carls? The thoughts of your best friend getting lucky too much for your virginal little ears?" Sam smirked.

"Aaaaa-aaaaa-aaaaa!" Carly covered her ears with her hands like a third grader and began to chant. "Can we change the subject, please?"

Sam simply rolled her eyes and finished off her drumstick. "So you wanna guess what the nub did now?"

"Do I want to?" Carly asked.

"He tried to sneak a feel." Sam sounded like this was the worst possible thing he could ever do.

"And?" Carly was confused, she was pretty sure this had been happening on a daily basis for some time now. In fact, she'd been witness to it more than once. "Didn't I catch him with his hand up your shirt in my living room just two days ago?"

"It's _that_ time and you know how sensitive my boobs get." Sam gently touched herself. "Well, he didn't exactly grab one, he was starting for my bra strap and that usually leads to . . . "

"Say no more! I get the picture." Carly frowned, cutting her off. "But why didn't you just tell him that instead of getting all pissy. I mean, the poor dude's probably awfully confused about now. One day you let him toss your goodies like a salad and the next you don't let him near them."

"Well, first off I don't need him acting like I'm some fragile china doll or something. If I tell Freddie I have so much as a hangnail he acts like my arm is broken. If he knew how nasty my cramps are and how my chest feels this time of the month, he'd probably be trying to push me around in a wheelchair. But mainly I don't want him to get all weird about the period thing, I think I'd just rather him not know when it happens. You remember how he passed out in health class when Ms. Briggs showed us that video. You and Wendy had to carry him to the nurse's office."

"Only because you were too busy laughing to help. Yes, I remember it well. But we were in eighth grade, Sam. And that video was gross, it made me queasy and I'd been having a period for almost two years when I saw it."

Sam simply doubled over in pain. "Gnnnhhh! Cramps are bad. Real bad. I need some pain killers, Carls. What do you have in your bathroom?"

The brunette hurried to her medicine cabinet and came back with the necessary medications. "Just do yourself and the rest of the world a favor and tell him. It's not fair that he doesn't know you feel like your guts are in knots and your tits are about to fall off."

Sam simply nodded and tossed back a handful of pain killers, washing them down with the remains of Carly's soda which she made the mistake of leaving within arm's reach of her friend.

She finally gave in and sent Freddie a text that she was alright and that she wasn't mad at him after he sent nearly a dozen, getting more frequent and desperate each time. The two agreed to get together after school the following day before it was time for iCarly to go live.

Sam still didn't know what she was going to tell him, but she knew she definitely owed him an explanation as to her actions. On one hand, she could just tell him the truth and totally gross him out and on the other, she could make up some lame excuse that he'd probably just see through and then feel bad for lying to him. But lying to him could be so much fun. Decisions, decisions.

Freddie walked into the smoothie shop and took a seat across the table from Sam. "Hey, baby." He stretched across the table and gave her a peck on the lips. "I hope you're feeling better or did you just get senior-itis and ditch school today?"

"A little of both." She greeted him. "OK, listen up because I'm only gonna say this once. I kinda acted like a gi-hugic bee-yotch with you yesterday and I'm sorry. So let's just forget the whole mess and you can go back to buying me food and stuff. Oh yeah, speaking of which, you owe T-Bo four bucks for my smoothie plus a tip."

Freddie just rolled his eyes at the thought. "You're forgiven, princess. Just promise me, you'd tell me if I did anything wrong. I thought you hated me for some reason."

"Eh, not really. At least not any more than usual. Hey you want to get out of here. I'm guessing Crazy's still away so we could hang at your place." She took his hand and started standing up.

"I like the way you think." He wiggled his eyebrows at her, anxious to get back to what they were doing when she stormed off for some still unknown reason.

They each bought a smoothie to go and soon were sitting on the Bensons' sofa while Sam mindlessly flipped channels, searching for something to watch on TV. Freddie was occupying his thoughts with the tight shirt she was wearing.

"Well, that settles it, there's officially nothing on." Sam announced and tossed the remote at the end stand. "We'll have to find something else to do. Momma's bored."

Freddie's arm was lightly around her back as she turned to face him. "I guess we could do this." He kissed her gently.

Sam kissed back and after a few minutes, they were back in the same position they were in the day before. Sam had her hands in his hair and his hand was soon under her shirt, making its was up her slim back as he nibbled and kissed her neck.

"Freddie. Wait." She pulled back away from him slightly, instantly stopping the action.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you, baby." He said, pulling his hands back and looking like he had done something wrong. "If you don't want to start anything, we don't need to get all hot and bothered. I mean, I know we make out a lot and stuff, but I just can't resist kissing you and since you have that no PDA in front of other people rule, I try to make up for it when we're alone."

Sam sighed. "It's alright. I - I just . . . I don't want you to get all riled up, or either of us to get riled up and then we can't do anything about it."

"I know, I know, we need to be over at Carly's in half an hour for the show, we shouldn't start anything now. But we could come back afterwards and maybe pick up where we left off."

"Maybe not today." She said softly and laid her head on his chest as he pulled her close.

He just looked down at her funny. It was not like Sam to give up the opportunity for a make out session. In fact, she started the action more often than he did.

Sam knew she owed him an explanation. "You probably want to know why I got all mad yesterday and why I stopped you just now. I need to tell you something but I don't want you to get all freaked out. Or - or start acting like it's a big deal. It's not really anything major, it's just, well - shit happens."

"It's alright, really. You don't have to explain yourself. You don't owe it to me to get felt up. I love you more than anything, even if we're not being physical."

"I - I just want you to know, Aunt flo's in town this week."

"Oh. Is that your mom's sister? Is that why you're all on edge? Wait, I thought Pam was in Vegas with that plumber she's been seeing. Don't tell me she called someone over to stay with you. She never did that, even when you were twelve."

"No, dip nuts. I said _aunt flo_." Sam made air quotes and looked at him like he was the smartest idiot she had ever met. "How exactly did you become class valedictorian again when you're so thick?"

"Oh, is she a great aunt or something then? Or related to your dad? You never mentioned her before. I guess I thought I knew about all your relatives. You did make me study the family tree before that party we went to when your one uncle got released from jail right after Christmas."

"NO! Gheesh, Fredweird, listen up. How much more plain do I have to be? Aunnnnt Flooooo!" She enunciated differently.

He still looked at her like she was speaking a foreign language.

"For piss sakes! I'm riding the crimson tide. El period-o. Menstruation. That time of the month. God, you got an A+ in health class, how can you NOT have already figured this out?"

He continued to look like he was having trouble processing this information.

"I'm on the rag, doofus." Sam finally said as she slapped the back of his head.

"Oh. OOOHHH!" He rubbed his head and suddenly moved away like she was going to give him the flu. She half expected him to go wash his hands.

"You don't have to back away. It's not contagious you nub." He moved back toward her after she said that.

"Sorry. I guess I see why you don't want to stir anything up then. Can I get you anything?"

"Nah. I'm fine. But yesterday when it first started, certain parts were kind of, um, tender." She motioned to her chest. "And I didn't want to be pawed around. I've been taking pain killers and I feel better today, but let's just say this ride is closed for a few days. I'm sorry, baby. I know your mom's out of town this week and you were counting on a sleepover."

"Aw, it's OK, Sammy. I know it seems like we're pretty physical some times. Hey, maybe this is a good thing. You _did_ want to see the new movie about zombies and aliens as soon as it was on pay per view. We missed it three times already because we got, um, _busy_ doing other stuff."

"You mean _Alien versus Zombie Six the Colonization_? Yeah, I'm dying to see it. It's on again at ten tonight." She smiled. "But doesn't your mom have you locked out of the cable box for anything but educational channels and little kids' shows? We can't watch it at my place, Pam hasn't paid the cable bill since March."

"Hey, I happen to be a pretty good hacker. I got her password. See I wrote this algorithm to go through and take the most commonly used numbers on the key pad, then it takes into account for her favorite channels and then it generates passwords from what was left. It took a couple of hours but I . . . " Sam cut him off with a kiss.

"I don't need the history of the geek tragedy that is your life, just tell me if I can see the damn movie or we have to go to Carly's and bribe her to let us watch it there."

"Yes, princess. The movie will work at ten. Say, we'd better grab some snacks as soon as iCarly's over so we can get back here to watch it." He put his arm around her and she snuggled close to his chest once again.

"See, I knew there was a reason I keep you around. You think of this kind of chiz."

"Hey." He got defensive.

"Well, other than the fact that you're a pretty good kisser. And other things similarly related."

A short while later, they entered the studio to see Carly hunched over, holding her lower abdomen.

"Where the frick have you two been. The show starts in ten minutes and I feel like I'm going to die here." Carly barked. "Sam you still have my bottle of PMS pills?"

'This is going to be am interesting weekend.' Freddie thought to himself.

 **Alright, so the whole 'aunt flo' subject popped into my mind when I saw one of those goofy insurance ads with Flo. Then my twisted mind turned her into aunt flo and next thing this happened. Hope it was at least funny.**


End file.
